woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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