kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
