5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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