Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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