Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Even my vagina gasped.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize