there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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