He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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