Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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