Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
