I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
