Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
