i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
