your room smells of hookers.
And success
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
