remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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