Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
