Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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