I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
