I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
