i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
