i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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