The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
