Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
