just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
