i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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