Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
