at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
