So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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