Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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