do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
