I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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