I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
