Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
