i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
