Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
