Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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