1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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