I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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