Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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