Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm determined to sit on that face.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize