i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize