Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
