Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
