cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
