She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
