I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
