You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
