Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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