you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
