I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
