Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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