If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i think i have two assholes
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
