Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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