Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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