I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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