I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
