Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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