The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
