My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
