Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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