An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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